Fat Girl Problems

I am a fat girl.

No, don't try to soothe my ego. I know what I am. American society has beheld my size twelve derriere and dubbed me ‘fat’ because I don't fit into the size four to size six range of acceptability. And, like a good American citizen, I roll over and submit to my fate. No matter that I work out every day. No matter that I attempt to be careful to eat nutritious foods. No matter that I enhance my diet with vitamins and supplements to maintain and boost my health. No matter that I schedule and keep annual physical check-up exams. No matter at all.

I won't lie and say that I couldn't stand to lose some unwanted fat baggage. I won't lie and say that I always make healthy food choices. I won't lie and say that it is Krispy Kreme’s fault that I am addicted to doughnuts. I also won't lie and say that there's not a serious double standard in this country when it comes to societal concepts of beauty versus personal levels of self-worth and self-esteem. And, I will most definitely not lie and say that most of these types of advertising are aimed at young girls and women. Thank you, marketing executives and fashion gurus, for creating a social dilemma for the collective that we are ever hard-pressed to solve.

Some may argue that staying thin boils down to self-discipline and hard work. People who say this are typically skinny already and tend to take being thin for granted. They're the ones who will never agonize about gaining an ounce as they cry through a pint of ice cream after that nightmare break-up (or whatever else may have driven them to indulge). They are the ones who love shopping because they look good in the clothes that they try on. They will never understand what it's like to stare in disbelief at the reflection in the dressing room mirror and plunge into a depressed funk because that tiny muffin top has somehow burgeoned into a bag of bagels. They're the ones who just don't get it, and never will. I should know. I used to be one of them. My, how times have changed. And, let me tell you, in this case, the grass is absolutely not greener on the other side.

The reasons people feel socially unacceptable vary. However, the amount of pressure to conform to society’s ideal of beauty is relentless and comes at us from every direction. Television, radio and internet advertisements tell us that to be acceptable, we must be thin, we must have glossy manageable hair, we must have flawless skin, we must have pearly white teeth and above all we must wear the latest fashions and own the newest gadgets. And, when we do not, or cannot, conform to these ideals, there are a myriad of people just waiting to rip us apart from the scalp on down. Seriously, how can anyone bear to poke their heads out of their front (or even back) doors under that amount of scrutiny? Yet, we must, and we do, and we endure the best we can, usually by making out with a box of cupcakes. It's a vicious, never-ending cycle.

Whatever happened to encouraging people to appreciate and love themselves “as-is”? Was there an announcement that the food and fitness corporations and the fashion police have declared martial law? If there was, I must've missed it. How is it then that we have permitted them to gain such powerful control over the degree of our self-worth? Is it because we've allowed ourselves to be duped into thinking that there's only one type of beauty? Are we not responsible for developing the confidence and self-esteem needed to rise above the frivolous and shallow expectations of public approval? In fairness, we cannot wholly accuse others for our own part in feeling obligated to live up to pop culture’s standards.

You kind of have to wonder; are we just more comfortable pointing a finger of fault at companies who're trying to sell their products so they can keep their workers employed? Don't we share some of the blame? I mean, aren't we the ones buying, and therefore creating a demand for, these products? Uh, yeah. And, we're the ones who must bear the burden of how we feel about our reflection in the mirror. See, those skinny people aren't altogether wrong.

For many (not all), a little healthy eating and some regular exercise would go a long way. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not recommending this as a means to lose weight to conform, the exact opposite, in fact. I'm a firm believer in working toward getting what you want. If what you want is a solid sense of self-worth, the only one who can truly provide that for you is you. You see, several years ago, because of a health condition and some poor medication choices by my doctors, I ended up gaining about sixty pounds in about ten months’ time. I went from being a blissfully ignorant skinny girl to being amply huggable. I became depressed, and found myself plummeting into a shame spiral. Finally, I realized that in order to reverse the situation, I'd have to be the one to make the effort.

About two years ago (with a small recent break) I began working out regularly. I hate exercising. Hate it with. a. passion! But, I love feeling like I am doing something good for myself. I like the way my energy remains stable throughout the day. Unfortunately, exercise alone wasn’t doing the trick, as I'm also a big fan of eating. I love chocolate, pretty much any kind of junk food, actually. But, I also love grapes, and green beans and watermelon and apple slices. Making the switch from eating junk food regularly and veggies or fruits sporadically to eating veggies and fruits regularly and junk food sporadically has been a sacrifice. Again, though, the feeling that I am doing something to improve the situation has made the difference.

Now, you may be thinking ‘sure, after all of that she’s probably skinny again’. Hate to burst your bubble. While I AM more toned and firm, even after all of this time, I have yet to dip below a size twelve. And, if you think the effort is wasted, you wouldn’t be alone. That shame spiral is ever present and waiting with open arms to receive me.

The point I’m trying to make is this; if we, as women (and men) want to rise above the influence of popular culture and feel comfortable being who we are in the body we have right now, we must take a long look into that dreaded mirror and make a decision. We have to decide that those wrinkles are our wisdom manifesting. We have to decide that curly hair is just as desirable as straight hair (or vice versa). We have to decide that the world will not end if our teeth are not three shades brighter. We have to decide to accept ourselves for who we are today, then embrace it and love ourselves in spite of what anyone else may attempt to force us to believe. And then, we have to pass those lessons along to the future generations. Only in working, together, toward what we want – a solid sense of self-worth -and fighting our way through the ever-changing fads can we ever hope to conquer the self-defeating morals our society would have us bow to. Fat girls, unite!